The Longest Night

Beginning without an end in sight
A vigil like any other 
In the darkness and alone
Only my mind to keep me company
Or so I thought...

Somewhere on the edges of the clouds
A few someones or somethings hold me
And so I sit

And I feel
For the first time in a long time
I truly feel

I am afraid

Blessed tears arrive and stream down my cheeks
Seared by my skin
Soon, gushing rivers fall from my sullen face
Creating the oceans which appear to surround me
And I become an island

An island of trauma

History starts flashing before my eyes
Like flares in the stark night sky
Lighting my empty hands with a red glow
Only for a moment
Before returning to nothingness

With each illumination, a new image appears –
The warning signs I now allow myself to see:
The denial of my true self
For the sake of others
The numbing smoke shield 
to ignore my own cries for attention
The sacrificial service I plowed for all
While I starved or drowned
The beliefs of unworthiness
Picked up and pocketed
When I should have been running naked and free
The guilt and shame of being human
A pale male in an emasculated school
Without an open space to speak and share
Unprocessed grief 
For even the smallest of things
Uncovered
The immense power of only me
Put aside to remain small and unseen
Validating a story which wasn’t mine
White pain pierces my chest
As I realise I abandoned myself here
More like an iceberg adrift
Wrecking any relationship with myself
And any other

This too shall pass 
in the night
The longest night

I hear my voice on an imperceptible breeze

Be here. Remain here
Listen
Look
The threshold of morning rays await your hard work

Be soft

Breathe tenderness into your heart

Fill the space of this vast darkness
With your gentle awareness

Tomorrow you will be renewed again
But first, get to know the you you choose to leave behind

The snake picks a safe spot to sheds it’s skin
Only to bare it's vulnerable self to the elements again

When it comes
Let the sun melt away every unwanted layer
Returning you to the sea of consciousness

But for now
You must remain
Empowered by pain
Being still & quiet
On the longest night

​

by Chris Auret